dua (2): a tear-strewn path

For those of you who know me very well, I think you won't be surprised when I say I was just lying face down on my floor crying like a baby.  And regardless of how well you know me, you may be surprised at the rationale behind the tears.  Might I add that these were not tears of sadness, in spite of the fact that my parents had left me to drive home to Kalamazoo just moments before.  The rambler that I am, of course there is always pretense...

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy, " said the psalmist (Psalm 126:5) 

I think there has not been a time in my life like these past almost two years where I cried so that my tears flowed like water.  Many of you reading these words saw me, broken and puffy eyed - with the ability to drench three paper towels easily in the attempt to dry my eyes.  And despite coming back to Ann Arbor for work, it was still confusing to be here without a clear direction or sense of purpose.  

Enter opportunity to participate on this journey to Jakarta, November 2008.  Crying a lot less out of sadness, but with this trip and all of the unknowns, a lot of opportunities to give way to fear and to fret often.  Everything in my limited knowledge about Indonesia was cause to worry: the tsunami in 2004, volcanoes, earthquakes, Japanese encephalitis- just to mention a few things.  Not to mention the fact that I am left-handed, moving to the most populous Muslim nation in the world, where culturally, the left hand is considered unclean and passing things with it is considered taboo!  

After a Thursday prayer gathering one wintery evening, a very dear friend and birthday twin pulled me aside, prayed with me, and even sang me these words which so poignantly described how I felt at the time:  "Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all/and the mountains seem so big, and my faith just seems so small...hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf/Won't you be my King of glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?"  As we wrapped up our time of prayer together with one another, she said to me, "God has already thought of everything."  I really wanted to believe her, but as the months drew on, there were always something more to worry about - where we would get the money to pay for two years rent up front, when and if our visas would be processed so that we could stay in Indonesia for one year.  Thinking my acne was a thing of the past, it flared up even more as a physical manifestation of the stress and anxiety in my heart over things I was not entrusting to God.

Jump to - our visas have been processed, as of last week just before the 4th of July weekend, by the grace of God.  Also, I don't know where we stand financially as a team, but something wonderful happened to me today in which I was really able to see that my friend was so right when she said that God really has thought of everything.  After my parents left today, I began to read the cards written so thoughtfully by dear friends I have found here over this past year in Ann Arbor.  One friend, whom I will allow to remain anonymous, had slipped into my hand a package which she hoped would be "useful" to me during my time in Jakarta.  Inside, I found an envelope with $200 and more importantly, a few words which spoke volumes about only love.  I began to cry because each of the members of our team was responsible for purchasing our plane tickets with our own money.  I actually wrote the check last night - and I will admit that this year, it has been so easy to worry about money because everything extra was going into my savings, for this ticket!  

I was thinking this week about all the money going to the ticket and other start up costs, and how I would have to withdraw more money for the trip tomorrow and exchange it for brand new currency.  The suggestion was $300-$500.  I was thinking I would just withdraw $300.  I opened another card nestled inside a pink envelope from another very dear friend, and found $50 inside.  This time, I was really crying because my cousin and her husband had written me a card before I left home, wishing me well - with a $50 bill inside.  I was crying just now because the dollar amounts were exactly enough for the road ahead, demonstrating to me not only God's perfect provision in his perfect timing, but also the love that he has for me through these wonderful friends of mine.  I write to you now, with approximately 48 hours left here, with a heart of gratitude and peace.  

I have been apprehensive about this trip because I know that the road ahead will be difficult, and strewn with tears.  But now, I see that there is no need to worry about the money, about conflict that is inevitable between human hearts, or anything else that was troubling me.  And I never needed to worry, but for some reason, it was so easy to.  For however difficult I thought my road was before, I see how it has resulted in so much joy.  And I "eagerly expect and hope" for the road ahead, with whatever is to come because I know that whatever tears there will be, there will be so much greater joy.  

I hope that many of you reading this who don't have a personal relationship with Christ will be able to experience this same God who loves you so much, knows every detail about your life intimately, and whether or not you know what lies ahead for you in this life, that you can know that he has thought of it already.