::aspirations to a low life; or, absolutely cut to the heart; or, the waiter::

“Miss, you seem so busy…”

I had just met for breakfast this morning at the only place I know that is open for breakfast in Lippo Karawaci, Sun Star Café and Resto at Benton Junction, which is a cutesy little strip of restaurants reminiscent of what anyone might see at Main Street or State Street in Ann Arbor. I mention this because Benton Junction is an exception in Indonesia, and not the rule. And Sun Star, because nothing ever opens earlier than 10:00 am – but I know that this restaurant opens very early in the morning, if you are ever in my neck of the woods…

I met with my life change group accountability partner Lea this morning for breakfast. My purpose in going to Benton Junction was two fold – for meeting up with her, and also for using the internet immediately afterwards. Just after Lea left, I was sms-ing like crazy on my hand phone, trying to figure out how to purchase a cooked turkey from our own version of Walmart (Hypermart!) and also trying to figure out how to connect to the internet. I admit, I am not the most literate computer person – especially since I have been a PC girl all my life and only recently converted to my MacBook four months ago…and this week at work felt especially unproductive and dehabilitating because I couldn’t connect to the internet at least 75% of the time, to check work e-mail and such.

My waiter asked me after Lea left, “Miss, where are you from?” I should explain that I get that a lot here, since Philippines is so close to Indonesia and we have a lot of similar physical characteristics. Actually, I find myself hearing more often than not, “Your face is Indonesian.” Makes me feel like I at least fit in appearance-wise, but then I open my mouth and every Indonesian can hear my Michigan accent for miles! I told him that I am from America but my family is from Philippines, and he walked away shortly after, seeming satisfied with that information. He came back, though, after seeing me give up trying to connect to internet at Benton and starting to pack up my things to go to Supermal Karawaci, a two minute walk away, and said “Miss, you seem so busy…” When he said that, it broke my heart to think that I have been this way all of my life – filling my hands and life with things in order to appear busy, and just to keep people away. I explained my situation with sms-ing people and trying to figure things and the internet out, and then I decided to ask him how long he has been working, and where he lives. My heart broke even more when he shared with me, even if it was brief…

“I have been working for three years,” he said. He lives in Cikokol [chi-co-col], about 30 minutes from Lippo Karawaci, and he works for nine hours a day. That might seem typical, but he looked so young, maybe a little bit younger than I am, and I just thought about everything he didn’t say. That he couldn’t afford to attend university, or maybe he did finish his first diploma but couldn’t find a job outside of the hospitality, and serving realm. I see this every day here in Indonesia. People without access to higher education cannot possibly have the qualifications to get higher skilled jobs, which pay more money. To work at somewhere a waiter in a restaurant like the young man I was talking to today is not the most coveted job at somewhere in the world like the United States. People attend universities and seek higher education just so that they don’t have to work in jobs like these, so that they can aspire to something higher.

I just feel so challenged, because I took things like an education at the University of Michigan for granted, even complaining about my homework loads, and even about professors who couldn’t fathom just how much homework I had from my other classes! I see now what a privilege it was to be able to attend any sort of institute of higher education, and I feel challenged about what I will do with what I have, and to challenge others to think the same.

I also have to admit tangentially that I have been very exhausted over the past couple of weeks. I think I caught a virus last week that had me feeling so tired, even though work was not particularly the kind where I had to overexert myself. This week, I realize it is lack of sleep – partly lack of discipline on my part to go to bed at decent hours, when I have the opportunity to, and partly because of things that have to be done here out of necessity. In any case, I found myself not being able to see straight one day, walking dizzily down the stairs at work and struggling to stay awake. I do feel so weary sometimes, and realized that day that I have been operating out of my own capacity and my own strength.

I remembered the verses in Isaiah 40:30-31, which say something like [not verbatim], “But they that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like the eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint.” Weary and faint were exactly the right words to describe just how I felt. I looked up the word “wait” that day, because I wanted to know what it meant to get that strength from God – like, really know it. I realized that waiting is not just an eager anticipation of something delayed or something not attained, but I realize also that waiting on the Lord has been very much a me-centered thing. I wait on him for strength, I wait on him for things that I can get – for me! – rather than waiting on him, as in really, genuinely wanting to execute every single action in my life to meet his needs (as if God has any, because he is so big and he is God…) and to live my life as a person in waiting, waiting on this being who I claim to be my King, to live my life as to satisfy the desires of his heart, as opposed to mine. To wait, as if to serve, to be a servant, to be a waiter upon him. I felt extremely encouraged and refreshed as I was meditating on these things during my lunch time (which was spent outside, in a thatched hut classroom, listening to the rain!) Refreshed to think that I can find my strength and rest from being weak, and from total and utter dependence upon Christ.

Really easy for me to pity the waiter I had spoken with from this morning, even just a few minutes ago. And then I look at myself, this kid who has spent all of her life building up her resume with things and accomplishments just to aspire to something greater. But what if something greater is found in those things that are the least? In aspiring not upwards, but to the things that seem so lowly in the eyes of the world? So, where do I want to go from here? In the physical sense, I plan to pack up my computer in the next few minutes and jet home and shower and run back to the bus station to Jakarta. But in the heart-sense, I have no idea where I will be in a year, what I will be doing, what direction God wants me to go in – but I do know this: I want to be waiting on the Lord. I want to be a waiter.

::on thanksgiving::

I really miss fall, actually. I miss it so much in fact that I have a picture of autumn-ripened vines draped over the University of Michigan Law School (the side facing South Quad, my former domicile of two of my college years, of course) as my desktop – and also my screen saver is autumn leaves, which appears every time I step away from my desk. (Yet another reason for my colleagues in the Lokal Marketing department to believe that I truly am crazy…) [Side note: my mother recently sent me some Michigan leaves from home, which is helping the autumn withdrawal. Thanks, Marme].

University of Michigan Law School (Fall 2007) (no, this is not Indonesia)

I always think Thanksgiving when it comes to fall, and I am happy to write that we are currently gearing up for our first Thanksgiving Dinner in Indonesia, and it has been really interesting scavenging for the availability of traditional Thanksgiving foods. (We have a couple here at HMCC of Jakarta who work in the US Embassy, and have two 16 lb – US sized – turkeys standing up in their freezer, waiting for us to dress and stuff them at the end of the month! One of the challenges has been finding ovens in which to actually bake the turkeys, because many Indonesian homes are not actually outfitted with them, including our own apartments. Fortunately, some of our life group members do have ovens – and I am sure you will be reading about our Thanksgiving preparations and dinner towards the end of the month. Stay tuned!)

Thanksgiving preparations have challenged me on the thankful heart. Yesterday, I had a fleeting moment of homesickness as I was thinking about keeping in touch with people from home. My roommate Sarah and I were in our room last night, talking about correspondence with people, and it was the first time I admitted to myself in the almost four months that I have been away from home that sometimes I do feel so disconnected, and to say that I feel like I am experiencing how it feels to be on the receiving end of “out of sight, out of mind.” I don’t mention these things, though, to elicit a barrage of e-mails or blog comments or snail mail. Really. I mention it because it is easy for me to jump to all sorts of conclusions when I don’t hear from people for a while – too busy to contact me, don’t care about me, they forgot about me. As soon as I thought about those things, I felt like Princess Mia (Anne Hathaway) in “Princess Diaries” at her coronation speech, telling her audience all of her excuses for not wanting to accept the crown because “I am not this or that” and then she says poignantly, “And then I realized how many stupid times a day I say the word ‘I’.” How easy to become inwardly focused as things here have settled somewhat into a routine!

And then I remembered all of the relationships we are building with people here, and seeing some of them challenged to love Christ even more. I thought about the people who have been curious to know more about this Jesus and why he is worthy of our worship. I also thought about the people who do write (e-mails, snail mail, even packages!) on a somewhat regular basis (thank you!) – and are even lifting up prayers for our team, even though I might not see any sort of electronic or paper proof of it (thank you so much!) (Actually, I shouldn’t be pointing fingers, because I myself am actually very behind on correspondence with people outside of Indonesia…I hope that those of you awaiting those well-thought out responses I promised weeks ago will allow me to impose upon your patience for a little while longer...) I felt very foolish to realize the ungratefulness of my heart, and that I need that heart of thanksgiving every day – whether I am at home where everything is comfortable and familiar, or luar negeri [overseas; luar – out, negeri – country].

Since being away, I know I am learning things that might be very basic – but still important. I am learning that it is one thing to learn lessons that shape our character – and it is another thing to continue to apply those lessons faithfully in our lives everyday. (Easier said than done!) This is also probably basic and obvious for anyone reading this, but I guess I myself had to come to Indonesia to realize this! Thanksgiving (which I am so excited for at the end of this month!) is an attitude of the heart, and having settled into a routine and experiencing the grind of working 8 hours and then “doing” ministry during and after, I realize how important it is that followers of Christ are “transformed by the renewing of [our] minds.” I can learn or realize thankfulness, but it is effectively useless unless I practice it everyday. I hope some of you, no matter where in the world you are reading this, can be challenged also to have a heart of thanksgiving every day.

And to anyone reading this, “I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you I always pray with joy…” especially to the believers, “because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this: that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus…”